There are days that make you wonder about your approach to life. Looking at my past relationships I’m starting to wonder if all the assholes in the world are right. Putting others first, making the a priority over your own happiness seems to get you nowhere. Look at my years with Maria. Yes I lied to her and kept secrets, but in the end I always put her first. What did I get in return nothing. Every moment in my life, every last moment when I felt weak or need someone I was alone. I honestly don’t mind. Fuck people, I have learned to handle my darkest nights alone and I came through it fine. Maybe I am meant to die alone, but fuck it we all die alone. I say this no because I am upset, but don’t listen to me. I’m an asshole. I don’t change. I say all these things but in the end I don’t change. My downfall is compassion. Underneath it I can never moderate my love, I am incapable of being selfish in a relationship. I wish I had some variety in my approach, but I love putting the other person first. Take Ivy for instance there are moment of doubt with her. Moments when I feel that familiar sting of selfishness, but there is something different about her. It’s her compassion. Despite her facade of independence I know she needs and wants to be loved.